Here is the deal. I had two goals this semester. Lose 50 lbs and rock school. It is March and I clearly won't reach either goal. There are the little goals like make and keep a budget. Make and keep a schedule. Those didn't work either. So on a rainy March Saturday morning (the first day of spring break) (I've already had coffee) I sit on my couch (read the awesome couch my roommate's boyfriend didn't have room for so is keeping it in our livingoom for when he is over) re-evaluating my life and goals. Here are the events that led me to this morning...
I'm had this stomach bug thing about seven or eight times in the last year. I talked with my nurse pratitioner about it. She agreed with me that it was hormonal. So we changed up my birthcontrol (For those that care I don't use it to control birth I use it because my period is death). That was about 5 months ago. Clearly it didn't work. My mom pointed out that I tend to get this thing right before something big happens like a test or moving. So the new theory is that it is related to stress.
I've been stressed for as long as I can remember. I hated school as a kid. In high school I hated school, but loved sports. I took about six months off after high school and worked. I wasn't stressed then except that I didn't know what to do with my life. Then I started a six month certification program in January. That was the perfect challenge. I had some days and things that stressed me out, but it was a great time in my life with the exception that that is when I started to gain a lot of weight. (Looking back now I think I was about 10 lbs overweight in high school then gained another 40ish over the next 4 years.) Then I started working as a personal trainer and realized that I hated it. I decided to go to school again (for what I didn't know). I think I wanted to be a nurse, but didn't want to admit it to myself because my sister is a nurse. I pride myself on being original. To follow in my own sister's footsteps would be hard on my pride. From January 2010 to 2011 I worked on generals. I started to like school. I was good at it. Is was a piece of cake compared to high school. I think my high school was so hell bent on getting us ready for college that it was harder than college. Maybe it was the same amount of work without the added time commitment of sports. (Even during that good year I went through some personal things). February of 2011 I swallowed my pride and decided that I wanted to be an RN. I had just missed the deadline to apply so I had to weight until January of 2012 to apply. I actually got in the first time I applied! I was actually a little disappointing because I wanted a break from school. That March I moved in with my roomies!
The night before we moved I got the stomach bug thing for the first time. That semester, in anatomy and physiology II, I got a D for the first time in a class. I repeated it in the summer because the nursing program requires all generals to be at least a C. I barely got a C. I've always liked science, but A&P II kicked my butt. I started the core nursing classes in the fall. I stuggeled with all my classes. I managed to pass them all. (Before you freak out that nurses are barely passing their classes then taking care of you...passing is 80%). I looked into taking a semester off because I felt if I just got a good break I would be up for the challenge of second semester. Second semester is known as "the make or break semester" and "the semester people get weeded out." After a lot of thought, prayer, and talking to a lot of people I decided that I should just keep going. I also decided to take a leave of absence from work to focus on this semester. I enjoyed one class this semester. I hated the other two. I talked with my teacher twice about my grade and how to bring it up. It wasn't helpful.
Which brings me to Thursday night. I got my stomach bug thing again then had a midterm test on Friday (yesterday). I bombed it. I think I got 66%. I had a third talk with my teacher. (Background info: 2/3 of the grade for the theory class is done after the midterm test. This is done so you have a basis for clinicals that starts after spring break.) She said I have three options. 1. keep going as is and hope my grade gets better (we agreed that isn't likely). 2. drop clinicals and focus on getting my grade up in theory (I don't think that is happening either). 3. drop them both and start this class and clinicals over next semester (that is looking like the best option). Then she said, "I don't throw this out much, but maybe being an RN isn't the right path for you." She suggested LPN or other medical jobs. At this point I'm trying to not cry in front of her. Keep in mind that I'm not an insucure person, but when it comes to my mind I am. It seems like everyone I know is brilliant. Because I always worked hard at school to get Bs I've always felt like an idiot until recently. Everyone who finds out that I'm doing nursing is impressed and thinks I'm so smart. I just smile and say, "I haven't finished yet." Everyone knows a nurse or is a nurse that struggled with school, but came out the other end. All I can think is what if I'm not one of the people that comes out the other end. I know that without my brain I'm not worthless, but I feel that way. When I was repeating A&P II a friend said, "Maybe you aren't cut out for nursing." Then my teacher opened her mouth and confirmed my fears.
I went to the bathroom and tried to cry silently so no one else could hear me. I had a moment where I'm thinking things like, "Now what am I going to do? Find a new career? It took forever to decide on RN." After a few tears I was already pushing those thoughts out of my mind. I then had to pull myself together to meet up with my group for a group project for this same class. They asked how the meeting went. When I told them what she said about choosing a different path they told me she said that to someone else too. So we did the project then I went home. Called my mom. Worked out. Came back home and talked about my craptastic day with my roomie. We ordered pizza. I then went for a drink with my friend. Which brings me to my other unmet goal.
When I started this blog it was to keep me accountable to lose weight. I've actually gained weight. My friend and I agreed to lose weight together. She is doing great. Not me so much. So last night we went out for a drink and to re-asses our goals. I started to feel sick again so we called it a night early. We ended up having a 30 second conversation in her driveway as I dropped her off. I told her that I feel like my goal of losing weight can't be done with my goal of doing well at school (I've been doing about 60-80 hours a week of homework/class time/studding). So we agreed to wait until I decide what to do about school. In the meantime over spring break operation get my life together is my goal. First things first...try to find my Bible (and I wonder why I don't know what I'm doing with my life).
On a less serious note I've been coming up with plan Bs.
1. Hooker
2. Open a 24 hour coffee shop (we need one around here for all the college students that are actually smart enough follow their dreams)
3. Rich house wife
4. Dog trainer/breeder.
5. And...
If you follow me on instagram (@coffeewithsher) I'll have pics of operation get my life together.
