I can justify all my guilty pleasures. I like reality TV because I don't have to think. When I'm done writing papers, memorizing tables, listening to lectures, reading articles and textbooks, filling in worksheets, and participating in discussions for school I can watch something that is from a different world. When I'm done with thinking about my clients needs, feelings, thoughts, emotions, and what they are trying to say I can watch reality TV and not have to figure out the people. I don't have to fix their problems. I don't have to advocate for them. Don't get me wrong I adore my clients, but it takes physical, emotional, and mental energy to put myself in three different pairs of shoes for seven hours. I didn't even know who the Kardashians were for the longest time. Then one day between semesters I wanted to watch some reality TV from Netflix and came across the Kardashians. Now I love Khloe.
I have a wedding board on Pinterest. Deal with it. It can scare off guys. I don't care. I don't care because I'm not sitting around hoping for a groom. One time I was looking at a wedding magazine at Barns and Noble with my boyfriend at the time. He said he was getting freaked out that I was planning our wedding. I believe my response was something like, "I said 'my' wedding. I didn't say it was your wedding." I have a wedding board because I love weddings. I also love to plan. I also have a ton of pins related to clean eating, crafts, clothes, makeup, hair, and more. And guess what. I try to plan things based off of those boards also.
I try to plan meals. I try to plan what I'm going to buy as far as makeup, clothes, hair products, and more. I try to plan outfits. I. Plan. Everything. It. Rarely. Works. I try to plan how much weight I'll loose and when. I try to take into account things that would hinder me like the holidays and things that would help me like school breaks. Speaking of school. . . I try to plan how much time I will study, what I will study, and when I will study. Even as a kid I would get really excited about something, but would get really upset when it didn't go exactly as planned. I remember being on a swing thinking about how old I was, how old I would be when I graduated high school, and how old I would be when I graduated college. When I played with Barbies I would just hold the Barbie and think about how old it would be when it got married and how old it would be when it had each kid. Then I would do that for all the kids. I. Plan. Everything. It. Rarely. Works.
God has a sick sense of humor. "Let's make Sherica! Let's make her a planner. Lets teach her about how We have a plan for her, but only let her know part of it. When all she wants to do is obey Us Let's make her wait to find out what she is supposed to do. Then We'll tell her to go to school to be a nurse. She'll think she knows the plan. She'll think that since she was accepted into the nursing program that she'll graduate in two years. Then Let's not let her pass some classes so it takes longer. In the meantime Let's let her get fatter and fatter. We'll let her self-esteem break down and confuse her on the plan." That is as far as I can quote God (if you will). I'm hoping the rest of it is something like, "Now that she is hopeless Let's teach her to rely on Us. She'll do great in classes. She'll lose weight. One day she'll look back on this year and think of how far she has come in every area of her life."
Here is another confession. I've been seeing a therapist. My mom recomended that I see one. My mom thought I was depressed. My therapist agreed. I brought up to the therapist (Sandra) that some days I think I have ADD. So she asked me some questions and she thinks I have depression and ADD. Depression and ADD symptoms can be similar. I said that I've always wondered if I have ADD. I said that if we get the ADD taken care of I'll be less depressed. So next week I have an appointment with my nurse practitioner to talk about depression medication I could take at least until we get the ADD thing figured out. I got the classes I needed for fall so I just hope I'm in better mental and emotional shape by then.
In the meantime it is clear that my plans aren't working. So I'm going to quit planning so much and pretend my life is a workout. I'm good at working out. I'm always telling myself, "one more rep," "one more set," "you can slow you pace when you get to that light-pole," "just hold this yoga pose a few more seconds," "you can always do more than you think you can," "think of how proud you'll be if you stick to this," "think of how disappointed you'll be if you give up." So tomorrow I'll just get out of bed. I'll just make breakfast. I'll just do my devotions. I'll just go to work. I'll just put my running clothes on. Maybe I'll even run...
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| Another version says, "sound mind" in place of "self-discipline." Interesting. |
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| Final confession today. |
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